I had planned on seeing this movie with friends anyway, but when Funny or Die writer Dashiell Driscoll asked me to shock him with an Erostek, pay me and buy me all the snacks I wanted, how could I refuse?

I actually really liked the movie. Originally, I was going to shock Dashiell whenever the movie portrayed BDSM incorrectly, but since that didn’t really happen, I instead chose to shock him whenever there was male pleasure or sexual harassment.

Here is a quick plot spoiling list of reasons I actually liked the movie:

1. The first sex scene is of Christian going down on Ana. Let’s hear it for the boy. I’m a fan of ALL men servicing women; and oral sex for women is rare on the big screen, mainstream film.

2. Christian acknowledges that he is using BDSM as a fucked up way to deal with his trauma and the only way he can grow as a person is to try to have a relationship with Ana that doesn’t involve it – or at least the the extent it has been in the past.

3. There is a lot of shoe porn, like I know every single pair of hot ass shoes Ana is wearing because fuck yes someone also loves shoes!

4. Ana takes a hard line against “Mrs. Robinson” who had sex with an underage Christian. YES! Let’s not ignore that this is still not okay just because it’s more socially acceptable (and male fantasy) for an older woman to seduce a younger male.

5. Mrs. Grey (Christian’s mom) is also totally not okay with discovering that her friend Mrs. Robinson bagged her kid and tells her to get out of her house and to leave her kids alone.

6. Christian gets a little switchy: “I don’t know whether to worship you at your feet or spank you.”

7. Even though it was WAY dramatic and not realistic in terms of a likely scenario (former slave stalking current girlfriend at gunpoint, but hey bitches be cray), it was so amazing to show how powerful the relationship is between a dominant and submissive.

8. Christian distinguishes himself between a dominant and a sadist.

9. Ana has a very poignant and very real conversation with Christian post scene witnessing him with his former sub, wondering if she will be enough for him. Anyone trying to traverse the feelings of vanilla vs BDSM has felt these feelings and/or had this conversation.

10. The tease and denial of actor Jamie Dornan’s chest was killer. Drawing the lines with lipstick was brillant, artsy, hot and LITERALLY something I have done in session.

Post 50 Shades Darker with Dashiell. A guy clearly took this pic since he cut off my killer Alexander Wang boots. Idiot.

If you care about a male opinion, you can read about what Dashiell wrote below. And you can read the entire article and see the video story here. He was actually pretty nice during the brief time I was zapping him. I mean, I’m clearly funnier, but whatever.

For my second screening, I was joined by Mistress Justine Cross who is a professional dominatrix in Los Angeles. I found her online and, after a brief email correspondence explaining I was not trying to make fun on her profession or community, she agreed to be a part of my story. I asked her to please come in whatever clothes she’d normally wear to a movie. She said she would normally wear “fetish casual” to which I replied, “I don’t know what that means, but sounds good.”

Fifty Shades deals extensively with BDSM and I was curious to know how accurate it all was. So I had Mistress Justine bring along a small device to electrocute me every time the movie inaccurately portrayed BDSM or I wasn’t paying attention. She plugged it into some sterile pads, put them on my arm, and did a test zap before the movie started so she could get familiar with my pain threshold. “I hadn’t used this in a while, had to test it on some dungeon slave pussy this morning to make sure it worked,” Mistress Justine nonchalantly said. It always feels good to work with professionals who check their gear. We established the safe word as, “Please pass the Milk Duds,” which was perfect because you might hear that in a movie theater anyway.

Seeing as it was only my second consecutive screening, I was still able to stay pretty focused. Especially since I was motivated by the fear of electrocution. Mistress Justine really only zapped me twice for yawning and once for checking my phone. And much to both of our surprise, she very rarely shocked me during the actual BDSM stuff because of how accurate it all was. Those silver balls (you’ll know what I’m talking about if you see it) got zero shocks. Same with the weird leg separator toy or the fact that nipple clamps hurt more when you take them off or getting quietly fingered in an elevator.

Mistress Justine zapped me every time Christian has sex with his pants on, something she also agreed was fake news. She also started zapping me every time something happened that she didn’t like. She thought the singer at the masquerade ball had a stupid haircut (she was right) and zapped me for it. When she realized I thought Ana’s best friend and Christian’s sister were the same actor because they’re both women with blonde hair, she did not hold back on the zaps. During a particularly intense sexual harassment in the workplace scene she damn near took my arm off. All in all, she probably electrocuted me 40 times throughout the film.

It was also fun to see the movie with someone, because we were very quickly goofing on the same stuff I thought was dumb during the first screening. There’s this photo gallery scene in the beginning, with big pictures of Ana that are SO stupid, and when Justine laughed out loud as they came on the screen I knew I was in good company. I paid her for her time and services after the movie and got a receipt for our accounting department. I also made sure we got a picture together.